Pricing that won't track you
Choose Your Level of Chaos
All plans include unlimited self-roasting. We believe in affordable existential crises.
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Free Spirit
For curious wanderers of chaos.
Free
- Unlimited self-audits
- Basic result cards
- Cookie Monster chat
- Tasteful watermark(reminds you you're free)
- Official Certificate
- Supporter Badge
Most Popular
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Cookie Audit Pro
For those who chose to support the project on purpose.
$7one-time
- Everything in Free
- No watermarks
- HD PNG downloads
- Official PDF Certificate
- Silver Supporter Badge
- Our eternal gratitude
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Cookie Legend
For the truly unhinged believers in cookie-based destiny.
$25one-time
- Everything in Pro
- Gold Legend Badge
- Legendary Certificate
- Name on Leaderboard(if opted in)
- Early access previews(via email)
- Compliance Council admiration
What You're Actually Getting
Downloads
PNG cards and PDF reports you can share, print, or frame ironically.
Themes
Golden cookies, fancy backgrounds. Because chaos deserves aesthetics.
Bragging Rights
Exclusive badges to show off your commitment to procrastination.
Just Want to Support?
No pressure. But the bandit runs on cookies.
Buy the Bandit a Cookie
Help keep the chaos running. No pressure. But also... cookies.
Questions?
Is this actually therapy?
Absolutely not. This is a satirical website. If you need real help, please talk to a licensed professional.
Are refunds available?
If you genuinely hate it, email us. We're bandits, not monsters.
Where does the money go?
Server costs, cookie ingredients, and occasional existential support for the developers.