What is The Non-Consensual Cookie Bandit?

A satirical web experience that parodies cookie consent popups by "auditing your life" instead of tracking your data. It's a humorous exploration of digital consent culture.

Is this actually tracking my cookies?

No. Despite the name, we don't actually track cookies in the traditional sense. This is a parody project that uses "cookies" as a metaphor for life decisions.

Is the life audit real?

The audit is generated for entertainment purposes only. Results are satirical and should not be taken as genuine life advice.

Can I play games on this site?

Yes! We have several mini-games including the Reject Button Game and Cookie Clicker. More games are being added regularly.

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Bureau Forensics Division

Internet
Autopsy

12 official forensic reports. Subjects: things the internet killed, abandoned, or ran over with a pivot.

Case #001Negligence

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Google+

2011-06-28 — 2019-04-02

Catastrophic identity crisis compounded by involuntary user acquisition and terminal engagement deficit syndrome

Case #002Natural Causes

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Internet Explorer

1995-08-16 — 2022-06-15

Natural causes following a prolonged decline; primary organ failure attributed to market share loss, compounded by decades of accumulated technical debt and one catastrophic encounter with Google Chrome in 2008

Case #003Assisted

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Adobe Flash Player

1996-01-01 — 2020-12-31

Assisted termination following a public execution notice issued by Steve Jobs in April 2010; death took a further decade due to the subject's stubbornness

Case #004Homicide

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Vine

2013-01-24 — 2017-01-17

Homicide by corporate negligence; victim was profitable and growing when parent company Twitter elected to discontinue it rather than invest in creator monetisation

Case #005Negligence

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MySpace

2003-08-01 — 2011-06-01

Negligence compounded by corporate mismanagement, catastrophic technical infrastructure, and exposure to a superior competitor without adequate defensive strategy

Case #006Homicide

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Clippy (Microsoft Office Assistant)

1997-11-19 — 2007-01-30

Homicide by user feedback; subject was officially retired in Office 2007 following ten years of sustained user hostility, multiple focus group death threats, and a 90% approval rating for the option to disable it permanently

Case #007Negligence

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Windows Phone

2010-10-11 — 2019-12-10

Negligence and strategic tardiness; subject entered a two-player market three years after both players had established insurmountable network effects, then failed to close the app gap that determined the entire competitive landscape

Case #008Homicide

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Google Reader

2005-10-07 — 2013-07-01

Homicide by corporate strategy; Google determined Reader competed with Google+ for social sharing and discontinued it to consolidate users on the newer platform, which itself died six years later

Case #009Suicide

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Tumblr (Original)

2007-04-23 — 2018-12-17

Suicide by content policy; subject implemented a comprehensive NSFW content ban on December 17, 2018, eliminating the communities that constituted its primary user base and reason for existence

Case #010Natural Causes

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AIM (AOL Instant Messenger)

1997-05-01 — 2017-12-15

Natural causes; the patient had been in decline since approximately 2011 when smartphone messaging rendered desktop instant messaging structurally obsolete

Case #011Under Investigation

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Online Privacy

1991-08-06 — Under investigation — date of death disputed

Under investigation. Primary suspects include: surveillance capitalism, third-party tracking pixels, the advertising industry, data brokers, and approximately 47 technology companies whose business models depend on the answer to this question being uncertain

Case #012Under Investigation

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RSS (Really Simple Syndication)

1999-03-15 — Under investigation — multiple death reports filed, none confirmed

Cause of death disputed. Contributing factors include: Google Reader shutdown (2013), social media algorithm replacing content discovery, mainstream press coverage declaring RSS dead approximately 30 times since 2009. Contradicting evidence: RSS is still used by approximately 200 million people and has not changed substantially since 2002.

Bureau Forensics Division · All deaths thoroughly investigated · R.I.P.

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