What is The Non-Consensual Cookie Bandit?

A satirical web experience that parodies cookie consent popups by "auditing your life" instead of tracking your data. It's a humorous exploration of digital consent culture.

Is this actually tracking my cookies?

No. Despite the name, we don't actually track cookies in the traditional sense. This is a parody project that uses "cookies" as a metaphor for life decisions.

Is the life audit real?

The audit is generated for entertainment purposes only. Results are satirical and should not be taken as genuine life advice.

Can I play games on this site?

Yes! We have several mini-games including the Reject Button Game and Cookie Clicker. More games are being added regularly.

Is the biometric data collection legal?

This varies by jurisdiction. Illinois's BIPA law has been used in litigation. California has similar protections. In many US states and in most of the world, there is no specific biometric data law, and the collection is legal if disclosed. It is disclosed. In paragraph 8.3.

Can I delete my data?

TikTok has a data deletion request process. The Bureau notes that "data collected from your content" and "data about you" are different categories, and deletion of one does not necessarily mean deletion of the other.

What does "irrevocable" license mean in practice?

It means that even if you delete your account, TikTok retains the rights to content you previously posted. The content may be removed, but the license for it remains valid. The Bureau is not a law firm. The Bureau is a satirical documentation service. But the Bureau read the clause.

← Terms Nobody Read

Bureau Translation Service — Terms of Service Audit

TikTok

14,218 words · ~71 min read · Last updated October 2023

social mediavideobiometricsdatacontent licenseminors

14,218

Word Count

71 min

Reading Time

9.7 / 10

Absurdity Score

Clause-by-Clause Translation

§1

10/10

You have submitted your face and voice to biometric scanning in exchange for the ability to post 15-second videos of yourself.

Original

"We may collect biometric identifiers and biometric information as defined under applicable laws, such as faceprints and voiceprints, from your User Content."

Translation

If you post a video of your face and voice, TikTok can extract a faceprint and voiceprint from it. These are biometric identifiers — the same category of data used for facial recognition and voice authentication. This is disclosed in the terms. It is disclosed in the terms in the same font and paragraph structure as the section about notification preferences.

§2

9/10

Every video you have made for free entertainment is a permanent royalty-free asset for a global corporation.

Original

"You grant TikTok an unconditional, irrevocable, non-exclusive, royalty-free, fully transferable, perpetual worldwide license to use, reproduce, modify, adapt, publish, translate, create derivative works from, distribute, transmit, perform, and display your User Content."

Translation

The dance video you posted in 2021 is licensed to TikTok forever, worldwide, royalty-free, and irrevocably. They can use it, modify it, distribute it, and make derivative works from it without compensating you. This is the same for every video you have ever posted.

§3

9/10

The background of your apartment, the people in your videos, and everything you have said on camera has been analyzed and stored.

Original

"We collect information about the videos, images, and audio that are part of your User Content, such as identifying the objects and scenery that appear, the existence and location within an image of face and body features and attributes, the nature of the audio, and the text of the words spoken in your User Content."

Translation

TikTok analyzes what is in your videos. Not just metadata. The actual content. Objects identified. Faces located. Body features noted. Words transcribed. This data is used for content moderation, recommendation, and advertising targeting.

§4

7/10

The algorithm knows what you stopped scrolling for at 2am. It has been using this information against you since you installed the app.

Original

"We collect information about your browsing and search history within the platform, videos watched, purchase activity, and interactions with content."

Translation

Every video you watched — including the ones you watched for three seconds and scrolled past — is logged. Your interest graph is extraordinarily detailed. It is used to target you with advertising and to keep you on the platform longer.

§5

8/10

Deleting the app and starting over is more complex than you think.

Original

"TikTok may collect information about your mobile device including the unique device identifier, mobile network information, time zone settings, and model of your device."

Translation

Your device has a unique identifier that allows TikTok to recognize it across accounts and app reinstallations. Even if you delete the app and reinstall it with a new account, the device identifier persists.

What You Actually Agreed To

✗

Biometric data extraction (faceprints, voiceprints) from your videos

✗

A perpetual irrevocable worldwide royalty-free license for all content you post

✗

Analysis of the objects, faces, and words in your video content

✗

Complete logging of every video you watch, including brief views

✗

Device fingerprinting that persists across reinstallations

✗

Data sharing with advertising partners for targeted advertising

Bureau Summary

"TikTok's terms are notable for their scope of data collection, the breadth of their content license, and the casual manner in which biometric data collection is disclosed. The Bureau has assessed this document and filed it under "technically they told you.""

— Bureau Translation Service

Frequently Asked Questions

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